Suffer the children

At the law school that I attend, we are afflicted by an undergraduate population that is both clueless and wealthy beyond the measure of average college undergraduates. Not that I'm any paragon of virtue and responsibility, but I have never posted an e-mail appeal for aid like this one. Comments in brackets are, obviously, my snide remarks:

I lost my life Friday night.....
***** ****** ****** <****@****.edu>

Ok, I obviously didn't lose my life, but pretty close to it.[You know, in my experience, as these life-losing things go. I would say about an eight on a ten-point life losing scale, with one being absolute safety and ten being OMIGOD DADDY WILL KILL ME.] I lost a brown coach purse somewhere Friday. Possibly midway,
doublewide,traveller, pole 3? [Translation: I have no idea where I lost my purse. Like a caravan into the Great Sahara, lo it has vanished in the blowing sand. PS: I was SOOO drunk that night.] It has my car keys, ID, credit cards, maybe some cash,[You know, like fifty bucks or so. I can't remember.] and my favorite lip gloss in it. I REALLY need to find it. [Mostly for the lip gloss, because it is MY FAVORITE.] If anyone has seen said purse or any of its contents please email me because my parents will probably kill me if they have to cancel our credit cards. (Hence the title of this notice.) [It all makes sense now.] AND if you find it you'll be my new best friend. [Unless you are ugly or otherwise socially unacceptable, in which case I will squeal for three minutes and then run off to apply my lipgloss because OMG it is my favorite.]

Eternal hatred I vow to the Muffies of the world. From Hell's heart I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.