Experience: Evening on the New Jersey Turnpike, slowly falling asleep. You've been quaffing Rockstar Energy Drink at a rate of about one gulp/15 minutes to stay awake while driving for the last eight hours, and are painfully aware that you have only about a quarter gulp left. It is at least 45 minutes to the next rest stop. Inadvertently, while attempting to tip the last dregs of the can into your mouth, you spill approximately a quarter teaspoonful onto the can lid. Simultaneously startled by a big rig emerging out of your blind spot, you violently inhale the Rockstar Energy Drink into your nostrils.
Immediate sensation: Burning pain. Rockstar Energy Drink, when aerosolized and combined with snot, creates either hydrochloric acid or mustard gas. Your eyes may water briefly. The pain fades slowly over about a five to ten minute period.
Lasting results: Clarity of mind, unimpaired driving ability for at least the next four hours. Rockstar taken nasally is the equivalent of at least a three-hour nap.
Side-effects: Cleared sinus cavities, speaking in tongues. Possibly also cancer.
Final verdict: Like the Korean War, mixed results. Only for use in extreme emergencies.
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