It seems that the ninjas that I have eluded for so long have finally tracked down my current location. This morning, 4 ninjas broke into a gas station in my hometown of Tampa, Florida, and stole an ATM machine.
No doubt, they will use the funds garnered from this daring escapade to build the ultimate weapon with which to hasten my death. I must begin to train.......
7 comments:
That was actually a lot more successful than other "crash a truck into a convenience store and make off with an ATM" plans that I've seen in execution. Meaning that only real ninjas could have possibly been behind this nefarious plot. I was waiting for the police to corner the ninjas, and the inevitable deployment of the smoke/flash bomb, but driving the truck into the river is nearly as good.
There has been no sign of the ninjas.
Well, of course not. Classic!
When you consider all the factors. It's amazing nobody thought to look for ninjas in Florida before. It's a terrific hiding place for them because it's the last place you would ever think to look for a ninja. Why? Well, 1) It's incredibly hot and being dressed in all black from head-to-toe would be remarkably uncomfortable, which is exactly why a ninja would do it. 2) No Asians live in Florida. I've lived in Florida my entire life (save two years in a quiet Virginia mountain town), and have yet to meet a single Asian person here. In fact, the first Asian person I ever met was Josh Loh - although I'd heard the legends of his prowess with an M1 Garand for many years prior to actually meeting him. 3) Ninjas and suburbs don't mix. Florida is nothing but suburbs. While it's easy to imagine a ninjas leaping from rooftop to rooftop in a seedy, yakuza-infested underbelly of a city, it's not so easy to envision them in the suburbs. Jumping from Honda Odyssey to tire swing lacks a certain ninja flair -- which is exactly why they would do it!
End of stream of consciousness rant re: ninjas.....
Are you kidding? I'm the first Asian person you ever met? Wow, I'm not sure I was the best Asian to make Asian First Contact with, being bad at math and, at that phase, not a very good student. Generally these duties are delegated to people like George Takei, Lucy Liu, or former Secretary of Transportation Norm Mineta.* I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone that I violated the Asian Prime Directive.
*Shout-out to Pat Morita. We miss you, big guy.
PS: I note, by the way, that while tooling around on Wikipedia to make sure I was right that Norm Mineta retired, I found out that Rob Schneider was Asian-American.* Color me shocked! Unfortunately, his movies still suck.
*Well, half-Asian-American, anyway.
If I were you, as a representative of your people, I would not be advertising that Rob Schneider was one of you. Just pawn him off on the Canadians and go about your merry way, Schneider-free.
Personally, I feel the best representative of the Asian-American race is James Hong. You may not know the name, but I guarantee you know who he is. He was Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China, He was Quan in Tango & Cash, and he's had a guest role on literally every TV show ever made (from West Wing to Hanging to Mr. Cooper). Go check out his IMDB page. He has 299 entries. He is the quintiessential [sic] Asian-American and represents your race well.
I know, I'm upset about it, but you can't keep Rob Schneider out in the cold forever, like Strom Thurmond did with his illegitimate black daughter.* I had no idea Mr. Hong's movie resume was that impressive. I look forward to his upcoming performance in "Balls of Fury" (2007).
*possibly the worst analogy I have ever made.
That would also qualify under the category of worst simile you've ever concocted. I too am looking forward to furious balls.
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